The Courage to Unlearn: Leadership Beyond Old Habits

Most leadership habits start as survival skills. They helped us succeed in demanding environments. They kept us sharp, visible, and reliable. For many women leaders especially, these habits were the price of being taken seriously.

Most of the time, they are overpreparing, staying late, double (and I check triple – learnt the hard way) checking everything, being available all the time and stepping in before anyone asks.

At some point, though, the habits that built our careers start to limit our leadership. We feel it before we can explain it. Things work, but we want to lead differently, but we keep repeating the same patterns.

That is usually when we say we need to learn something new. In reality, the work is often the opposite.

Learning feels good. It feels clean. Add a skill, attend a program, read another book. Unlearning feels unsettling. It asks us to loosen something that has become part of who we are. That is why it is so much harder.

There is a framework that explains this struggle with surprising clarity. It comes from adult development research by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey and it is called Immunity to Change.

The idea is simple. When we try to change a habit and fail, another part of us is actively working against that change.

We usually start with a genuine intention. I want to delegate more. I want to stop micromanaging. I want to trust my team. These goals are honest. We mean them. But then our behavior tells a different story. We check again. We jump in. We redo the work. We stay late to make sure nothing goes wrong.

This is where most change efforts stop. We promise to do better. We try harder next time.

What sits underneath is more interesting. Behind the habit is often a commitment that we rarely accept, a commitment to not being seen as careless, being needed, staying in control or protecting our reputation.

These commitments are of course not irrational. Many were formed in moments when mistakes were costly, visibility was fragile, or trust was earned slowly.  And beneath those commitments sits an even deeper layer as an assumption. If I do not control things, everything will fall apart. If I delegate, I will lose my value. If I slow down, I will become invisible. If I stop proving myself, I will be replaceable.

As long as these assumptions remain untouched, no habit will truly change, because we are protecting our identity. This is why unlearning feels uncomfortable to protect  who we believe we need to be in order to belong, succeed, or stay safe.

At a certain point in leadership, growth stops being about adding more tools. It becomes about letting go of old roles. The one who holds everything together. The one who never drops the ball. The one who earns trust by carrying more than everyone else.

Mature leadership is relies less on control and more on trust, less on proving and more on presence.

If you are struggling to change a leadership habit, try asking a different question.

·       Instead of what should I do differently, ask what might this habit be protecting.

·       What am I deeply committed to without realizing it?

·       What assumption would I need to question in order to grow into the leader I am becoming?

Because sometimes the most meaningful leadership shift is  having the courage to unlearn what no longer serves you.